The fear of not finding “The One”

In 2021 I wrote: I have it all planned out, in my head it’s all planned, but the reality is I’m not even close to what people call “finding your person”. I’m 21 and I feel like I won’t ever find him. 

There’s pressure. People constantly asking if you’ve got a boyfriend, or telling stories how that at my age I should have someone. 

2025:

I feel as though there is this quiet, and often unspoken fear that many of us carry: the fear that we might never find the love of our life. No one ever talks about it, and I can understand why, so let me.

It’s that elusive idea of the perfect partner — the person who truly understands us, who supports us through life’s ups and downs, and who shares in our dreams and everyday moments. For some, this journey may feel effortless, while for others, it can feel like a constant uphill battle.

For me, it’s like a shadow that’s in the background. It creeps in at the most unexpected moments. I can be swiping through the dating apps, attending a wedding or watching a rom com where there is always a happy ending, but then there is this voice in my head whispering, “When is it going to be my turn?”.

We are taught from a very early age that love is the ultimate goal - that there is one perfect person out there who will complete us. This narrative puts a lot of pressure on people, and personally has left me feeling inadequate and unworthy of love.

I know I don’t have to find the love of my life by a specific deadline, I know. But I think about it and it has been something that has stayed in the back of my mind for years.

Two blog posts ago, I opened up about the loneliness I’ve been feeling, but there’s something I didn’t fully touch on at the time. A big part of my solitude stems from not having found my person yet. I know that I don’t need anyone to feel complete — that my worth isn’t tied to a relationship. But if I’m being honest, it’s hard not to feel the weight of that longing. The thought of never finding a partner or building something meaningful with someone can stir up a lot of anxiety. It’s a feeling I didn’t expect to experience so strongly, but here I am.

I think what scares me the most is the thought that, despite all the work I put into myself — learning, growing, healing, and becoming the best version of who I am — that someone might still not come along to share all of it with. There’s a certain sadness in that, isn’t there? A sense that, despite everything, the future could still feel like a journey you have to face alone.

It’s easy to romanticise the idea of finding “the one”, but real relationships — at least, the ones that last — are full of effort, compromise, and sometimes a little bit of chaos. The fear of not finding “the one” often comes with the pressure to make it happen on our own timeline, which, let’s be real, rarely ever works.

People often say things like, “You’ll find them when you’re not looking,” or “Love shows up when you least expect it.” And while I get the intent behind those words, hearing them over and over doesn’t really bring me comfort. If anything, it adds to the quiet loop of anxiety — like my mind is stuck on a carousel, spinning with questions of when, how, and what if never?

And when I open up about where I am — not having found my person, still figuring things out — people respond with, “It’s okay.” And I know they mean well, and I know that it is okay, but sometimes I wonder… is it really? Or am I just telling myself that because I have to?

As teenagers - or really, at any age — we often talk about love, relationships, and the dream of one day finding “the one".” We share our hopes, imagining a future of connection, and maybe marriage and building a family. But sometimes, in the middle of these conversations, someone might casually say something like, “She’s never had someone love her like that” or “You’re how old and you never had a long term relationship”, or make a comment that seems like a joke on the surface. What can feel like a harmless teasing may cut deeper than anyone realises. In those moments, a person might silently wrestle with the fear that they’ll never experience love like that, all while hiding behind a smile or a laugh, too afraid to let their insecurities show.

I have personally had a lot of moments like that, and I was in that position of laughing and joking, and trying to hide it, but in my mind I was on that carousel again. It taught me that sometimes the things people joke about lightheartedly, could actually be things that they’re the most vulnerable about.

With all of that said — everything I’ve shared about the fear of not finding “the one” — I also have to admit there is something beautiful about being single. There’s a kind of freedom in it, a space to get to know myself without distractions or compromises. And I am trying to enjoy it, to soak up the independence and little moments that are mine alone. But, let’s be real: it’s not always easy. Some days, it feels empowering; other days, it feels like something’s missing. I’m learning to hold both truths at once.

There is something truly magical about love — it fills me with hope and joy every time I witness it. Whether it’s a friend getting engaged, a wedding, or someone stepping into a new relationship, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of excitement and happiness. Love is beautiful, but I’ll be the first to admit that finding it isn’t always a simple and straightforward journey, especially for me. But, each moment of love I witness reaffirms that the search, no matter how uncertain, is always worth it.

Love isn’t linear, and certainly not a race. Maybe it’s not about waiting for “the one” but allowing space for someone who’s meant to be part of my story - no matter when or how they show up. As hard as it is sometimes to be positive that it’ll happen when it happens, I just have to trust that love will find me, just as I will find it — when the time is right.