05. May
I know we are well into June, but let me talk about May first.
In my ‘April’ blog post, I wrote about how I landed a new job and how I was ready to get back to work and back into my routine, and it’s been good, but it’s also been very overwhelming. These days it doesn’t take much for me to feel this way. The word overwhelming should be my middle name at this point. I’ve been so overwhelmed that I cried at work in front of one of the account managers. She was checking in on me and asking how I was finding things and then BAM, I start crying. She was very lovely though and immediately closed the door so no one would see me crying.
I was already having a shitty day that day so that didn’t help. I was thinking about one thing and then another thing, and then all of sudden it all just came crumbling down. Anyone else have those moments? I’m sure there so many of you out there who know what I’m talking about.
The onboarding process of this job hasn’t been the best or easiest. Well, it’s more like it’s not what I’m used to. I’m all for a challenge and getting thrown in the deep end, but I’m used to more structure, and someone actually sitting down with me and explaining to me how to do things.
People say, “ask questions”, and that’s great. But how do I know what to ask if I’m not being show how to properly do something in the first place? It’s just been a bit of a mess, and I’m a little over a month in and I still don’t feel settled. It’s not quite meeting my expectations, even though I knew what I was getting into and what the job was, I feel some parts of the job were not outlined in the initial description. It happens.
When someone would ask me, “how’s it going?”, “how’s your new job?”, I would almost immediately say, “it’s good”, all well knowing in the back of my head I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know how I felt, but I was trying to stay positive and also give myself grace with the fact that I was learning. Learning new processes, systems, getting to know new people and working in a new environment.
What I’ve learned in May is that it’s okay to take up space. I have to make decisions for myself and not be so scared about what people are going to think. I might make the wrong decision, but I can’t keep coasting. I want to feel fulfilled, and I’m aiming for something more creative and hands on, and not cleaning up after people and loading the dishwasher. We all have to start somewhere, I get it, but I need more and I deserve more.
It’s hard, but I’m learning, I’m trying and really just doing what I feel is best for me, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Ah - your 20’s.